Witness The Non-Fitness

November 10, 2014 by Ray Morgan

Witness the non-fitness

In a moment of Argos catalogue-influenced optimism in the 90s, my parents bought an exercise bike. It was white, with neon pink and turquoise go-faster stripes - the utmost in cool (back then anyway).

We all got on it and had a go - in a very teenage way I thought this was going to be the start of My Life as a Fit Person. Sadly, it didn't quite go that way. The call of chicken tikka pasties from the shop at the top of my road, school PE horror and a new discovery for cheap lager meant I was never destined to be a gym bunny.

The exercise bike stood on our landing at home for many years, a token of 'we try' but not quite covering up for the fact that we never truly, properly embraced it. Fast-forward fifteen years and I said proudly to my Mum and Dad - don't worry guys! I know that the old exercise bike is taking up room in the garage! Now I live in my own place I'll take it off your hands! My Dad lugged it up the stairs to my flat and I proudly hopped on - wow, I thought. This bad boy has got RUSTY. I swore it was easier than this when I used to sit on it using the 'no tension' setting while idly flicking through my Science revision.

My legs weakly dragged the pedals round and I soon worked up a sweat. This is it, I thought, now is my time - I shall become that fit person I was always destined to be.

After the first day of enthusiasm, the poor exercise bike is now a clothes horse. VERY USEFUL. However I do feel guilty when I sling a once-worn shirt over it. I even bought two exercise DVDs - one for 'Autumn/Winter' and one for 'Spring/Summer'. They haven't even been opened out of their wrapping yet. I love walking - that good old, free, outdoor pursuit, and top marks to any of you who read my blog on my love of sea swimming. But actual, proper, treadmill/bike/class based fitness? It's just not for me.

My top 5 things to do around the house *instead* of exercise

1. Cross stitching amusing phrases onto fabric
2. Watching Netflix (that's a whole other top 5 waiting to happen)
3. Competing with myself to make the Ultimate Polenta Chips
4. Honing my very basic stock of impressions - Marsha from Spaced is #1
5. Discussing on the phone with my grandad the sheer joy of the double Corrie/University Challenge sandwich on a Monday night